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The Ant and the Cookie

Writer's picture: Sarah Z.Sarah Z.



Is everyone else also just in triage mode? Only dealing with what needs to be felt, dealt with RIGHT now, and what isn't bleeding too bad and can wait until tomorrow? Are we all just (kinda) surviving?


Here's where I am with Trump's second presidency, sponsored by Tesla, Meta, and Amazon: it is unfortunate that we've fallen in this place on the arc of history, but we're not the first to find ourselves here and we won't be the last. As humans inch SLOWLY toward self-awareness and societal equality, the pendulum always swings heavily backwards in some phases of our growth. This rightnow is clearly an awful backwards swing. And it's depressing as fuck, and vulnerable people will die, don't get me wrong, but also these regressive chapters haven't stopped progress in the past and it won't now. Trump is just another dictator following the rule book. He does it in a clownish fashion, but that's also not unique- see North Korea, Russia, etc. Lots of cruel goofballs have come before him. His incompitence doesn't matter, surrounding himself with horrible, unqualified people doesn't matter. It's written in history- we've seen all this and will again. Everyone who voted to support this was following the rules. They were playing their part. Again, don't get me wrong- ya basic and careless with people's lives, so if I know you supported this horror show, I'm not maintaining a relationship with you, but I get it. People have always gotten distracted by the glamour of money and power and wanting to preserve any of their own. It lacks empathy and longview to only care about your own interests, but it's humanity at it's most scared and simple. The millions of Americans who voted this way are only half the country. The rest didn't. The rest resisted this. So, as much as I was hoping we were in a different place on the history map, we're not. We're here.





Yesterday was a bad day for me, a depressing day where getting out of bed kind of hurt all over. When I finally gave up and crawled in bed at 8pm, I happened to listen to this podcast episode and it shifted my thinking. The TLDR of it is as I wrote above, but I strongly encourage you to check it out- I found so much reassurance from the historians, activists, journalists who are in the thick of the issues now but also have a really good understanding of how this sits in context of history. Plus they give just self-care survival tips like CROCHET THROUGH THE PAIN.


Those of us who resisted it and were hopeful for a different trajectory for humans are pretty upset right now, but I think if we see it as an inevitable obstacle instead of a hard stop, we'll just keep finding our way around the obstruction to a better system. Meanwhile, we can make tiny differences in our own immediate lives.


I acknowledge that this is easier for me, a white, straight, wealthy, cit-het woman, than many. I plan to use my privileges to stand with those without them.


For me personally, the last few weeks have just kept trying to force me down. In addition to continuing to lose my rights as a woman, watching my queer kid's safety go up in smoke, and fearing for all of my immigrants' neighbors wellness, I've also lost my grandma, gotten news that my dog likely has untreatbale thyroid cancer, flown across the country and back, and been SO busy at work and with kids stuff that my house looks like a bomb exploded but I don't have the juice to do anything about it. In very, very good news, my little nonbinary tomato played the part of Tweedle Dum in a community musical theater production of Alice in Wonderland and it was the single greatest performance in the single greatest piece of art ever to make it to the stage. Straight shot of joy, in a propeller beanie.

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So, ANYWAY. How do we survive another four years of this president and his people dumping shit all over our country, slashing funding and support and inviting violence and discrimination on those already vulnerable and hurting? What can we do in our tiny corners, to try to survive? To try to help?


The other day, I saved an ant off the edge of my fruit bowl. I know, I know, I'm a hero, you don't have to tell me. But hear me out. Bugs in my house make me feel dirty and like a failure of an adult and my first instinct was to squash it, throw it away, and go back to my brooding. But instead, I painstakingly (it was stubborn) caught it and let it out back behind my house. I didn't improve my own lot all that much. I didn't save all the ants. But I did make a difference to that one. I could do that. And I thought, maybe there's something to that. Maybe radical kindness to the critters we come in contact with is something we CAN do, and maybe there will be ripples of kindness out into the world and it will cause a change. Maybe not. It's still good for my heart to let the ant live.


And I have to be good to my heart. Depression and anxiety, if not managed well, result in death. I'm not fucking around with that. I will protect my peace and joy because I have to or I might lose the battle. That means, for me, an antidepressant, meditation, yoga, writing, focusing on my healthy relationships, and addressing the immediate issues in front of me.

I will stay open and empathetic and continue to be supportive to those I know who are struggling, but I have to be careful with how much I take on. When I feel responsible for the world, I start drowning and feel helpless, and I sit down and help no one, including myself. There have been moments I've felt like I'm personally responsible for this goon in the White House because I could have done more. I'm letting myself off the hook for that now that I know history's gonna history.


I'm trusting that if I can maintain my center, my goodness, and keep my eyes open enough, I'll be a light in this dark place. One of many.


I'm also baking cookies a lot and trying to appreciate small things, to savor each bite. The other day when I was eating a cherry chocolate cookie (fucking yes), I spent a lot of time noticing the buttery/sugary texture, each part of each flavor as chocolate met cherry. It gave me joy to eat it, and joy to notice it.


So, here we are, trying to help one critter at a time, trying to feel good feelings, and continuing to get back up so that we can keep marching toward a more peaceful and equitable world.


Let's do it.

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