But We All Know This Is Bad, Right, Loves? LOVES?

I've been trying to figure out what to say for two weeks. I told a friend that I could write 10,000 words or 2. It all seems equally necessary and pointless. Trump was elected by a large margin for a second term in office. It appears that tens of millions of Americans filled in the little circle to choose this man, this party-or his version of it- to lead all of us for the next four years. (Assuming we still have democracy then and can choose if we keep him. One violent attempt to overturn a political foe's win already in the bag, is a peaceful exchange of power old news? Fake news? IS THERE STILL NEWS? Stoppppp ruminating again, do your breathing exercises. Whew.)

I am grieving in that way where I feel bruised all over inside, am easily distracted and not weepy, exactly, but soggy around the edges. It's scary. It's sad. It didn't have to be this way. We could have chosen to keep moving toward something that looked more like peace, inclusion and empowerment and safety for more people but we emphatically went the other direction. We declared, loudly, who among us will maintain their rights and whose are negotiable. Since now the marrow and muscles of our government are all in line with these same values now, it's going to be very difficult to move the U.S. body any other way. That feels stifling.

I've been trying to pinpoint exactly why it hurts the way it does and I think it's because I had the impression that I had some control. I thought maybe my voice mattered and it was one of many, saying the same thing. I thought I understood people. Those I trusted agreed with my conclusions of what made sense and who was the right(est) and most logical choice among the available options. Now, we fear the consequences in the streets and in the chambers. We ache for truth, for hope. We ache for women, for anyone not white, for anyone queer, anyone trying to find solace and home in this country, anyone who doesn't already have wealth accumulated. We've lost access to safe abortion care already- what other ways will we find to control and put us in danger? It's already largely culturally acceptable to be homophobic- will that be legally sanctioned again? What other personal expressions and freedoms will be criminalized in the name of reclaiming some sort of traditional vision and protecting "us?" There's already evidence that this election has granted permission to many to take their hate public. I get it- their ideas are endorsed by the highest offices, by the highest courts. How bad will this get?

Also, sigh. In my 44 years of life, two extremely qualified women running for office have lost to a dangerous, messy, and profoundly below average man. I've always known that as a woman, many people inherently don't trust my intellect or abilities and see me as an object to do with as they please. Witnessing the abuse these women running for office received, and then the collective denial of their chance to lead, stabs that knife a little deeper.

AND some people I know are relieved by the outcome, even excited about what this might look like. It's hard for me to imagine how this might turn out well for any of us and impossible to relate to their optimism. I assume they must not care about my queer kid, my body autonomy and healthcare needs, or the rights and safety of many in our shared community. I find it hard to relate to their values, hard to look them in the face. It's painful to see the enthusiasm or acquiescence, even accounting for those who voted blindly for the party they've always voted for, or to protect their dollars, or for some loyalty to fetuses. It feels profoundly selfish and short-sighted.

I'm grieving because I had hope and it kicked me in the lady nuts. Again. We are exactly what I feared we were. We are afraid of things we don't understand, committed to clinging to outdated values, and profoundly selfish. We had an option and we chose this. That hurts. I'm sad because I thought America had the potential to be what we've always said we were- a progressive and egalitarian experiment- but we're not. We're stuck going backwards. We're built on racism, sexism, and religious control like everyone else. We're not doing anything unique and that's pretty devastating.

I hope in a few years we still recognize ourselves and still have enough fire in our bellies to fight for freedom, enough courage to demand equality. I am so sorry to my kids as I fear we've fucked this up for generations. We should have been better, done better.

Maybe this is the pendulum of history swinging, as it does, and over my lifetime I will still witness us baby step our way to something better? Maybe my kids will still have a chance for a safe and satisfying life in a dynamic country?

One can only hope, I guess.

I'm trying not to think too far ahead into the future because right now the picture is all doom and darkness. So, this week, I am focusing on the good things around me and the things I can control. The butt warmers in the seats of my car are excellent. My kid's smile is the actual sun. The school board meetings where they're trying to decide if a trans teacher is inherently a threat to young children because of their identity- in that place, at least, we can still try to do right. In our tiny corners of this big, dumb world, we can still try to do right.

Grieving is necessary and good. We'll take the time it takes to feel all those feelings and then we'll get to work protecting the people who are in danger and whose voices get ignored, including our own. I don't know what else to do.

Maintain your mental health, loves. Take a walk. Drink some water. Stay you.

"Give me your tired, your poor,

Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free,

The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.

Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me,

I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"

Emma Lazarus

November 2, 1883