A Little Lost, But I Like It

Hi, hello, greetings. It's been ages since I've written. To that end- if you were still a subscribing member of sarahzwriter, you will have gotten a notification that your membership has been canceled. I did that. I want to offer whatever I get around to publishing here for free now. I do appreciate your support! You'll still be on my mailing lists, so don't fret about missing anything.

Here's what I've been up to and why I haven't been blogging: Grief. Big personal changes. Kids. Those fucking novels. PA life/making z money.

Grief- since January, I've lost some important A's: two grandmas (Alice and Ardis) and my dog (Abel). Blessedly, all three deaths were beautiful, gentle, surrounded by much love and care. The grandmothers were cool women I'm really glad I got to know, and they lived well, deep into their '90s. The dog, Abel, I've written about before. Regardless of how good a death is or how ready for it you thought you were, grief is a part-time job. It's distracting. It nags. It just keeps tugging at your energy and demanding attention. It won't be ignored. I like to think I'm a pro at grief now (dark, dude) because I've had a lot of practice, but it's a surprise sore each time. I will say that I do love the collective sadness of grieving a death. Like everyone has the excuse to cry on each other for an acceptable reason. I think we all secretly want to cry in each other's laps a lot more than we do, but when someone has died, it's officially LAP TIME (woot). Much of my sad has been spent alone, so I find it comforting when everyone around me is sad with me, in the same direction.

Big Personal Changes- this is a vague nod to the second teenage-hood I (and all my friends in their 40s) seem to be experiencing. I'll know more/write more later, but basically it seems that I'm once again looking inside and out into the universe to figure out who I am, who I was, who I want to be, what it all means, etc. It's scary and weird, but also feel important. Necessary. I'm trying to trust myself and to be open, to lead with hope vs doom, to be ever-more expansive instead of locked into what I thought I knew. Peace, dammit! And growth, I guess, too. Finnnneeee.

Kids- Ok, so this is another big ol' complicated one. The kids we're in charge of are in 6th and 9th grade. The 9th grader (Henry, he/him) is finding his life big and busy and liberating and we're navigating the big changes together. I remember meeting 12th graders my first weeks of 9th grade and being like, "I HAVE ARRIVED. I ADULT NOW, K?" and he's doing some of that. And he's got a really solid head on his shoulders, but heads at this developmental age are swimming, so we're helping him stay him. We're learning together. It's mostly really fun. He's performing in the halftime show at the football game this weekend! Woot!

The 6th grader (Wolfe, they/them) moved to another new school this year...the 4th school they've tried in the past 2 years. They are queer and have emotional and learning differences, and they've experienced so much bullying and rejection, they're knee-deep in school-related trauma. The new school seems more amenable to change than the others did, but right now, we're finding that it says all the right inclusive-y things on paper and mission statements, but when it comes down to it, doesn't really have a good support structure for this kinda human on campus. We're committed to staying to change the culture but meanwhile, we're going to change from a regular 5 day/week, 7 hr school day to a homeschool hybrid model where they're only on campus two days/week and otherwise at home doing homeschool programs and exploring the world with us.

This scares me. I've always looked at homeschooling as my worst-case scenario. I'm terrified I might fail to get them the education they need. I'm terrified we'll drive each other bananas. Our relationship is so solid right now- will this destroy that? Will they have enough social outlet that's not ME? Will I ever be alone ever again?

Here's where I'm trying to be open and expansive and positive instead of just scared and doomy. I know there are enough local classes, clubs, and volunteer opportunities, that I think we can hodgepodge a schedule together that will work for all of us. And I'd love this little human and their growing brain to have just one year where they don't have to be playing defense all the time. This world is not safe for them, but maybe we can let them develop a little more before they have to feel the full force of that?

Anyway. So that's the kids. They're also both doing sports and theater and just a whole slew of things that are awesome and keep me stuck in traffic.

Those fucking novels. Welp, that's what I've been doing for the past few years- writing and writing some more, editing, and trying to get them sold. So far, they sit only on my computer, in my mind, in some of your minds if you've read them (thank you!). Here's hoping I can get the words and the timing and the stars all aligned. I'm still trying to get a literary agent to represent my big dramatic book of grief and I'm also working on a rom-com and still finessing the middle-grade queer fantasy book with a friend. Lots to work on, trying to stay optimistic that some day they will sit on shelves. I'll keep writing and trying. I went to a workshop last week on hooking an agent and it was all about networking and social media and stuff, so if I can find the motivation and time, you might be seeing a lot more of me soon.

What else? Oh, work. Obviously, it's a huge privilege that we can (mostly) afford to spare a parent who isn't working full-time. I feel lucky and also I feel overwhelmed. My PA gig recently went through an upheavel that left me really glad to have it, so for now, I'm not saying 'surgery shmergery' under my breath all the time. I'm relieved to have part-time, flexible, consistent work that makes it possible to accommodate my kid's needs and try to make my own artistic dreams come true. When I thought I was going to lose the OR gig, I was looking at freelance writing and bartending and all kinds of options. I'm still open. The universe is wiley. I don't want to be closed off to anything it's offering.

Cheers to you and thank you for reading!

XOXO

Sarah Z Writer