How to Be a Parent and a Person Simultaneously, Oy

Ah, parenting. Holy fuck it's hard and weird. Just when you figure out one thing, they've moved on to something else.

I have a lot to learn and a ways to go- my kids are only 11 and 13- but I've gained some insights I'd like to share. Especially with my special needs kid, it's easy to get trapped in my own anxiety, but I do a lot of harm when I'm hunched on that perch. The instinct to grip hard and never let go to keep them (me) feeling safe is contrary to how growth works. My job is to let go just as soon as I can so they can fly on their own. If I keep holding them to me, we'll both stay stuck in the nest, or plummet to the ground in a tangle of broken wings.

Let Go Just As Soon As You Can

:

1) Parent the kids you have, not the ones you've imagined. They need you to be flexible and open to growing and changing and to focus on who they're telling you they are. Let them teach you- they're (learning to be) the experts on themselves.

2) Your job is to get them to develop their own voice, not to just listen to yours. My wise cousin always reminds me- yours will not always be the loudest, most influential voice in your kids' lives- if they're trained to look to you for answers instead of finding their own inside them, they will someday turn to their idiot friends and terrible romantic parnters to tell them who they are and what they should do (#drugsandherpes).

3) Your kids aren't about you. They're not your shadows or reflections or carbon copies. They're meant to be totally discrete, whole people and you're just somewhere in the tapestry of their history. Get over yourself so they can get on with their lives.

4) The more self-aware and centered you are, the safer you are for your kids. If they have to waste a bunch of precious developmental energy dealing with your emotional volatility, they'll struggle for it. Get your shit together. (THER-A-PY)

5) Show them what you've learned about how to function through difficulties. Give them healthy model of how to overcome challenges calmly and introspectively. Don't stall where you are. It's bad for everybody. (THER-A-PY)

6) Repair ruptures in your connection with your kids and renew a real sense of safety as soon as you identify issues. Apologize, reflect, be vulnerable, be open. This can literally prevent traumatic events from changing their nervous systems permanently.

7) Always be looking for those ruptures. Always be checking your ego and be aware of your wounds and how you react when they're poked. (THER-A-PY)

8) Get over yourself so you can be there for them. (Sing it with me now)

9) Give them room to try new skills, even if they're not totally ready for them. Let them try, see what they can do. Support as needed, but only give them what they actually need, not what you makes YOU feel better. It's hard to watch your kids struggle and comforting to just do it for them- manage your discomfort for their sake.

10) Show interest in the things they're interested in and what they're proud of, excited about TODAY- don't stall wherever your impression of them started. Stay with the current version of who they are, don't get stuck in who they were.

Heal your own childhood shit so you're not dragging it across their childhood.