10 Things That Stop Me From Being My Sexy, Powerful Self

On being 'Wanted' Versus 'Wantable,' and 'Loved' Versus 'Lovable'

So, I’ve been thinking a lot lately about sense of self/empowerment/sexiness (see previous swaths of posts). I’m obsessing on this because it’s all tied in with our confidence and creativity, ambition, vulnerability, and relationships, too. A lot of people my age (30s-50s) don’t invest much in their own feelings of power/sensuality for a few reasons:

1. When the fuck do I spend an ounce of time on myself?

2. Life is gross, stressful, boring AND chaotic- the opposite of sexy

3. I often feel pretty low and can’t add ONE more thing to worry about

4. Yes, my partner wants me but it’s in an unconditional sort of way so I’ve stopped looking at myself as desirable or bothering to try, plus we share the very unsexy #2, and, you know, some shit has gone down between us along the way, so there's always THAT, too

5. My partner doesn’t want me and it sucks and I wonder if it’s because of me or them or us and I just don’t know where to put any of my feelings. Where does this leave me? If a sexy tree falls alone in the woods, is it still sexy?

6. I don’t have a partner, and I know I should be fierce and independent, but sexin’ myself up seems kind of pointless, plus, you know, heartbreak and whatnot.

7. I have baggage from my past and from what I was taught by society which leaves me feeling scared and confused about my sexy self. I want to want to want it but I’m not sure where to start.

8. Major changes with my body/mind/life have left me someone I don’t recognize or (gulp)…like? I look around and it seems like so many people are able to follow the body rules/stay within the rigid societal definition of sexy, and I'm not, so....am I still allowed?

9. It seems indulgent and frivolous to focus on myself, especially this aspect of myself- how much can sexiness really matter?

10. Oh, my God, didn’t I figure all this out in _______ (insert time period I think I should have been done growing and learning how to be myself)

I’m at the stage of life where I want to burn with my own power and passion, across all aspects of my life. It’s taken moving down the above list of obstacles (taking risks, asking for help, being really vulnerable, therapy) to get me to the point where I can start. I got this idea from a fellow author/mom recently, and now I'm gonna try it- and I'm hoping to drag my friends along with me. Here’s how this conversation has gone recently, with a few (unnamed to protect their innocence) friends- one of whom I just met and *barely know:

Me: Uh, so I’ve been looking to add more ‘sensational’ to my life and I found this cool dance class. Do you want to do it with me?

Her: Like Zumba?

Me: No, absolutely not like Zumba. Don’t think tennis shoes, think boas. It’s like, what’s the word…like fancy ladies being all sexy and strutty? It’s like…

Her: Like stripping? Are you asking me to take a stripping class with you?

Me: Kind of? Burlesque, that’s the word. and it’s all about feeling sexy and powerful. It’s online.

Her: Oh! Good. Oh, wait. That might be even weirder. What if my kids are home?

Me: Lock your bedroom door. Her: I'm gonna giggle the whole time. Me: Same, it's fine, we have to start somewhere.

Her: My marriage is ending/has ended. I don’t really have anyone to perform for, though, you know?

Me: It’s not about anyone else, it’s about you inhabiting your own body and feeling like a divine goddess who is one with the earth and stars and all of eternity.

Her: ….

Me: ….

Her: …what’s your name again?

Sometimes I come on a titch strong, but ah, well, those who want on this ride can come along. Care to join??