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Review: "Jurassic World: Dominion" (Uh, Yep, It's Movie #6, They've Run Out of Names)

Warning: Spoilers and sass and whatnot

So, my kid and I went to see the new JP tonight and the best part was snuggling with him and giggling at Jeff Goldblum's delivery of lines in the WEIRDEST and best way possible (second only to Christopher Walken's take on human communication, maybe...he isn't in this movie, but IS in 'Severance,' which I also just finished watching, and oh, man...anyway, I digress):

1) Flaming giant locusts falling from the sky absolutely makes sense this week and I found it oddly comforting. Enormous prehistoric lizards and bugs, go ahead and end us humans, it's fine, we deserve it.

2) I don't agree with a lot of things that Christ Pratt seems to stand for, but I do think it was smart that he chose to just totally mail it in, with postage and all, in this movie, and not bother trying to be charming or cute or funny or sexy or anything because, hello, Jeff Goldblum was there. It would have just going to be sad if he tried. Maybe he just COULD NOT since the last in this series was such a total disaster it barely qualified as a movie. Regardless, I think we can all agree it's time we just replace him with Ryan Reynolds finally. I don't know if we can digitally remaster Parks & Rec? Maybe that's too much.

2) It had all the required chase scenes, Barbasol references, and wild stunts and CGI you'd expect, kept us interested with the cute baby dinos, and had jump scares throughout. Teeth on the other side of a flipped jeep? Check. T-Rex framed by a cool set piece for a perfect movie poster shot? Check. Will they/won't they/will we care drama between the Caucasian heterosexual leads?, in this case, it was fun to see the return of Sam Neill and Laura Dern (hey, guys, how's it!?), but their chemistry is kind of...piping lukewarm. Also, I don't know what it is about Bryce Dallas Howard; maybe I'm still unfairly holding the white pantsuit and heals in the jungle against her from the first of the reboots, but she just always seems to be overacting and never really makes sense in the part for me. Also, she and Chris Pratt seemed to genuinely loath each other, which, again, makes sense as she probably also wishes he was Ryan Reynolds (or Gosling, really I'd take either Ryan; both at the same time, even? I'm getting off topic).

3) What else? Tons of fan service to the original 1993 movies and a completely rando, but satisfying Jets (T-Rex) and Sharks (Gigantasaurus) face-off dance fight in the alley to establish domination....or dominion. I can only assume that's where the title came from. Umm...let's see....capitalism is still the real monster, chaos reigns, we need to care and conserve all nature for harmony and survival....yeah, I think that about covers it.

4) Beyond Dr. Malcolm, my favorite characters were the new ones-the pilot and funny badass played by DeWanda Wise, and kind and thoughtful scientist/admin guy played by Mamoudou Athie. These pack of nerds (both original and reboot) need allies who can actually get them out of jams and these two did it with grace and personality. There was the villain, of course- greedy and weirdly always snacking but they never explained it? I mean, fine, maybe dude has low blood sugar, but that can't really explain how he was fine causing a total collapse of the world as we know it, can it? Maybe. I can pretty mean when I need a nosh. There was a young British girl who something something science clone family genetic trauma sad wants answers feelings mommy is that you(?) blah blah blah. I didn't care about any of it except that the actress looks a lot like my second cousin, so I'm mentioning her so I remember to tell her.

5) It's fun! Great distraction to watch people get eaten and entire forests get engulfed in flame (from the locusts on fire). There's a baby velociraptor that is almost so cute you forget it would eat your toddler or dog in a heartbeat. Overall, good blend of camp and more camp, go see it!

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