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Ted Lasso, S2:Ep2-This One Has Everything: Female Masturbation, Scones, and Tartts

At the end of episode one, we saw that Jamie Tartt, the talented turdly ex-teammate of our AFC Riichmond heroes, was no longer playing for Machester City, as he'd been, but is instead on a reality TV show called "Lust Conquers All." It does a great job of spoofing the many love/marriage reality shows on TV- bonerific models and actors trying to catch their fifteen minutes by sharing fake fights and love and real sex and herpes, all with plenty of cliff-hanging moments strung out by commercial breaks. In other words, it fits him like a glove, but he can't even seem to make that work. At the start of this episode, he gets voted off that island for, you guessed it, being a turd, and then learns on a live morning-show that he's not welcome back at Man City to play. Later he is told by his agent that no football clubs want to touch his mean and mercurial ass, and because of his behavior on the show, he can only score rotten TV gigs in his future. Tail between his legs, he goes to Keeley, and then Coach Lasso, to ask about coming back to the flock. Universally, his return is seen as a bad idea (BECAUSE TURD), but by the end Coach Lasso is feeling like he needs to be loving and fatherly to the sad little Tartt inside, and he comes back. The players are NOT happy, and we'll see what this does to Keeley and Roy's relationship, since Jamie was her ex, and they're still friendly. So help me, if he gets in between my favorite couple, I will fly to London and throw a shoe at him.

Speaking of Roy Kent and Keeley Jones (couple name: Kroy), he catches her wanking in her bedroom to a video on her phone, and since she'd just been talking to Jamie Tartt, we fear she's watching footage of him, but really, she's watching Roy's tearful press conference where he announced his retirement. It would be ridiculous and contrived in most shows, but here they make it work. She says she's hot for his passion for the game and horny for his big feelings and so he agrees to try a sports talk show pundit gig once. He, of course, is brilliant and salty like movie theater popcorn on-air, and he enjoys himself, and Keeley is thrilled. He thrills her more, when he comes home and pulls up the footage, hands her earbuds so she can listen to him orate, while he gives her oral. Two scenes of a woman getting sexual pleasure in one episode!?!?! This must be some sort of record.

Coach Lasso keeps trying to charm Doctor Sharon Fieldstone, and is confounded by her unwillingness to fall under his spell like everyone else has. By the end of the episode, they've shared a few nice moments and she seems to be letting him in a little. She suggests that the loving, warm atmosphere they have universally in the club is nice, but might be costing them wins. Right after that, we see that Coach Lasso has brought the un-warm, un-nice but very winning Jamie Tartt back. Things are about to change, it seems.

Cool, cool, change away. Just don't fuck with Kroy, K?

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