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ARIES
(March 21-Apr 19)

Your paths will cross with your high school crush this month. It will be over a penguin or a pickle...a postcard? A subPoena?  Something with a 'p' for sure.

tAURUS
(April 20-May 20)

You’re doomed. Has no one told you yet? How embarrassing.

gEMINI
(May 21- June 21)

Huzzah! This month you will earn extra cheddar. But the sharp kind that no one likes.

Cancer
(June 22- July 22)

You decide to get organized, so you clean your desk and you FIND THE PREVIOUS EMPLOYEE WHO USED TO HAVE YOUR JOB buried under all those coffee mugs and files. Awkward. 

LEO
(July 23- August 22)

Throw a party! Invite a few trusted friends. There is always something to celebrate. Plus, then you get to eat sheet cake without anyone looking at you like you're sad.  SHEET CAKE.

vIRGO
(August 23- Sept 22)

Go ahead and go for the big promotion. Why not? What's the worst that can happen? They laugh at you? They tell you no? They ask you to pack your personal effects in a box and leave immediately? You forget your ficus and have to sneak back in after-hours to retrieve it? You witness a murder? You get implicated? You rot in prison? Maybe don't go after the big promotion, your life is pretty good as-is. 

lIBRA
(Sept 23- Oct 23)

Looking to improve your satisfaction in bed? Sensory deprivation is hot! Blindfold, ear plugs, close and lock the door so that no one will bother you. See how amazing you feel in the morning!   

Scorpio
October 24- November 21

Everything is awesome. YOU are awesome.  High-fives all around. *

 

*Full disclosure, the author of these horoscopes was born in late October, but that in no way influences her professional and unbiased readings

sAGITtARIUS
Nov 22 - Dec 21)

Follow your dreams, but only into well-lit, clearly marked locations. Never go with them to a second location. 

cAPRICORN
(Dec 22- Jan 19)

This month you should book that trip you've been waiting to take. The pandemic is lessening and your wanderlust is growing. Choose where to go based on wherever has the fauna that leasts terrifies you. So, not Arizona.  Wooh, boy. Have you seen those spiders? Come on!

aquarius
(Jan 20- Feb 18)

You've been feeling tired lately, and a little out of sorts. Try exchanging your mattress for rows and rows of cloves of raw garlic. Just stack it real good.  It won't necessarily improve your health, but it will guarentee that only people who are dedicated to you and your wellness will try to get in your bed. 

pISCES
(Feb 19 - March 20)

It's been so hot lately. Just sit down. It's enough. 

Figure out when you were born (call your mom, I'll wait) and find out what your future holds. Possibly. Maybe. I don't know. No stars were consulted. Don't trust me.